ESL (when the first language is "Bimbo")*

"They dance so great. They're awesome," Spears said after watching the troupe rehearse.

Sooner or later it was bound to come to this. The fact that I! Hate!! Britney. Honestly, she embodies absolutely everything wrong with the world today, and is without a doubt the trashiest human being currently in the public eye. If the barefoot in the gas station restroom foot-funk didn't get you, how about that she also lives in barefoot harmony in a household with several un-housetrained canines... which she has her maid clean up after only every other day. That's a lot of barefoot in the poopie-- but this is a girl who had chicken fingers at her wedding, so why would I even be surprised.

In fact, let me remind myself this is also a girl who made the belly button public real estate. So-- a lot to be proud of, here. A lot.

However, all of this might be faintly tolerable-- if she could just frickin' stop herself from the relentless slaughter of my mother tongue. I am greatly alarmed. You should be, too. While English is not perhaps the loveliest of languages to listen to, it beats the hell out of German... and at the end of the day, if you're reading this then I assume you comprehend English. So you really should care. You should care!!! Someone out there is desecrating our way of communicating with one another.

Please. Somebody stop her from making public statements. As much as I want to feel smug and superior when I read the dumbass things she says, the sheer pain prevents me from even feeling a twinge of superiority-- and that's just BAD.

*in fact, my company blocked me from even searching for photos of her that would be appropriate to this post. I kept getting "blocked content/ SEX" messages from on high. if only.

PDA Public Service Announcement

pda: when is enough too much?
What's the most flagrant offense you've seen or participated in?
Does your general attitude towards this change when it involves you?
Is this all culturally-bound, anyhow? For instance, how come when you're strolling the streets of gay Paree, lovers in the rain are just... lovers in the rain... and here in America, even the word "lover" becomes hopelessly creepy?

The Wonderbra: False Advertising?

One of us was looking especially buxom on our night out recently, and when called on it, confessed to generously padding her assets to make her clothes fit better. This (+ alcohol) prompted discussion around the etiquette of false advertising-- namely, is it bait and switch? Or just another trick in the average girl's repertoire? One of us thought it didn't matter, one thought it was a bad way to go into potentially getting naked for the first time with someone who would then realize the boobs were a lie... and I personally fall on the side of, hell, pad away, whatever, who cares... if he's lucky enough to be there, he probably isn't complaining about the view. (If he is-- kick him to the curb!) But what do I know.

All thoughts (as always-- not that i'm hinting or anything--HELLO!! is anyone OUT there?!?) are welcome on this subject...male or female, I'd love to know where you stand on the subject of artifice as dating strategem. Men! Would you in fact BE disappointed to learn upon undressing a new ladyfriend that indeed the hills were not alive? Women! Do you worry your less-than-ample Victoria's secret will be found out? Do you care? Are you one of those who keep the bra on, just in case?
I really want to know where we all stand on this most important and pressing matter... and guys, i know some of you pad, too, before you get all cocky.

Impossible to discern the rudest, saddest or most disheartening thing about this.

NEW YORK (Feb.1) - A 100-pound woman ate 26 grilled cheese sandwiches in 10 minutes Wednesday at a New York restaurant, winning the World Grilled Cheese Eating Championship.

ABCSonya Thomas is known as the "Black Widow" because she has defeated so many larger men. Sonya Thomas won $8,000 for the contest at the Planet Hollywood restaurant in Times Square but said she was disappointed in her performance.
"I could have done better," she said, adding that she was aiming for 30 sandwiches.
Thomas said she had to catch a train shortly after the contest to make her shift at a Burger King on Andrews Air Force Base in Virginia, where she is a manager.
She said she has a naturally big stomach capacity and heavily soaked her sandwiches in water to make them easier to swallow. She said to train she drinks large amounts of water to expand her stomach capacity and practices relaxing her throat.
Thomas, whose normal weight is about 100 pounds, estimated she gained 10 pounds during Wednesday's contest.
It was a close win. Her nearest competitor, Joey Chestnut, ate 25 1/2 sandwiches.
On the eating contest circuit, Thomas is known as the "Black Widow," apparently because she has defeated so many larger men.
She holds numerous world eating records, including 46 dozen oysters in 10 minutes, 11 pounds of cheesecake in 9 minutes, 48 chicken tacos in 11 minutes, 37 hot dogs and buns in 12 minutes and 56 hamburgers in 8 minutes.

When Stupid People Breed.

"Georgia Child Groom Runs Away From Group Home", reads the headline. Unsurprisingly, the article was a big, stinkin' waste of time. I mean, really. Did I NEED to know more than the 8 words in the headline convey? But just for the hell of it, let's recap.

A 37 year old woman gets knocked up by a 15 year old boy who's an inpatient in a psych facility. Already not the best bet for a stronger future gene pool- on either count- but now the poor lass is attempting a pity ploy for her sad and lonely state, saying she prefers older men, anyway. Well, then! Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned! That'll teach him, the little 15 year old deadbeat dad/runaway! You weren't even her TYPE! Take THAT! I know she must feel far better about herself, now that that's out there.

Google Thinks I'M Rude.

Apparently, there has been an incidence of click fraud on this site. (no, it wasn't me.) So now i'm on the google post office wall as having done a bad, bad thing...which is pretty funny, considering. So no more fart-o-matic machine ads, or fart-spray, or anything like that. Sorry (all 3 readers I probably have). Sorry. It was beautiful while it lasted.