Rude Children.

You know what they say: the apple don't fall far from the tree.

So there I was at Saks, in line to buy my stupid lip gloss. This woman plunks her petulant, snot-nosed child down in the chair next to where I am standing, and the child promptly begins kicking my ass. Literally. And repeatedly. (note to anyone following along on these ridiculous threads-- it is debatable as to whether or not this is preferable to having said ass grabbed. Having a leopard-print-clad toddler obsessively kick her tiny, hammer-like (leopard-print SHOES, too) foot into my behind while I stand there helpless is also not so fun.) (and yes, it is quite acceptable grammatically to place parens within parens).

Anyway!! I moved slightly away from the offending foot, but smiled at the little miscreant and even complimented her outfit. She grinned wickedly...and inched closer to my posterior. Immediately began kicking again. Again I moved away, this time sans compliment. Yet a third time arose, and this time I just moved as far away as I could without losing my place in line (queuing up as if for chickens in Russia). This time the mother spun around, eyes slitted in hostility and snapped, "oh, I'M sorry. Is she BOTHERING you?" So I smiled nicely and said rather blandly, "nope! not bothering me... just kicking at my butt, so I thought I'd move."

- Here's where i SUPPOSED the offending parent would apologize, explain to the child why this isn't acceptable behavior, and we'd all be done with it. Instead, she sneers at me and my bare left hand, "you OBVIOUSLY don't have children". "That's right! I don't!" I say cheerfully, and still think the exchange will be over. BUT NO!
She actually moves the child to the other side of me as if i'm contagious, then says to the woman on the other side, "YOU don't mind, do you? SHE" (pointing at me)"has a PROBlem with CHILdren." They both turn and scowl.
-I say, "Excuse me: I don't have a PROBlem with CHILdren. I LOVE children. What I had a PROBlem with was my butt being kicked by your child. That's really all." (and also you not doing a damn thing about it, you stupid slimy whore, but that's another story.) She screams-- literally screams!!- at me "SHE'S FOUR!!!!" then explains to the woman next to her that this is her ONLY chance to go shopping, and people like ME have to go and RUIN it. Excuse me?!?! You don't take every opportunity to teach your child manners, and that's MY problem? I don't think so.

I am grateful for every disciplinary lesson I ever got while still a child. My parents did not let me run rampant all over the place because I could drool. (they also, quite thankfully, abstained from leopard-print tuff-skins.) And for the record: I DO like children. How rude is it for this person to make assumptions about me based on the fact that her child was wrong, and she was too careless to correct it? This bothers me deeply, having a number of friends who have miscarried recently. For all this woman knows, I just had a miscarriage. I mean, you just don't go saying things like this to people, let alone completely failing to teach your child how to behave in polite society.

I realize I don't have children, and therefore am probably only qualified to comment in a limited manner. But if I WERE a mother, I would not let my child make an ass of herself, since eventually I have to launch that child out into the world, and no one out there's gonna be as nice as I am, even if I'm strict... and further, you just shouldn't lash out at other people and say mean things. If I had the urge to hit back, I could have said something like, "Actually i DO have children, but I sure don't have that belly pooch you got out of it.." but violence begets violence. Why even bother.
I'm just venting.
That's really all.

Ass Grabbing.

Don't touch my ass. Or pinch my cheeks. Or tender any untoward and explicitly uninvited contact to my body corporeal. I am not a puppy. Do not touch me.
DO! NOT! TOUCH!!! ME.
(I will never understand why people infringe upon personal space in this manner.)
I have a theory that if I were bigger and more physically imposing, this wouldn't happen. No real way to test this, so I beg of you, nay: imPLORE you:
DO NOT TOUCH ME, MY ASS OR ANYTHING ELSE in polite or otherwise conversation.

***It's RUDE.***

This goes double for the crazy lady who lifted up my shirt to better see my waist. and ended up exposing half my bra. WHY DOES THIS NEED TO EVEN BE STATED...? Just keep your hands to yourself, and all will be fine.

A Whole Latte Racism.

Starbucks is fanning the flames of insidious racism.
No, not really. But come on. It's fun to say.
So here's what my probem really IS: the Starbucks near my house, which I frequent on a daily basis, has a new barrista. The barrista wears Afro-Sheen, and it gets all over my drink.

So i KNOW this sounds racist, and i really don't mean for it to... "but".....
But... in case you didn't hear me the first time, whenever she makes my drink she leaves a slimy film of Afro-Sheen all over the top of the lid. How do i know this? How am I apprised of the distinct flavor of Afro-Sheen? If you must know, my idiot friends and I used to slather ourselves with Afro-Sheen to tan when we were in high school. It's a taste one doesn't readily forget... and more times than I like to recall, it sort of melted, ran down my face and into my mouth, so I remember it VERY well, indeed. So then.

Back to 2006. I now am faced with that self-same taste and problem, and incidentally it appears they haven't improved the formula at all with regards to my delicate palate. So you see where I am going with this: this now OBVIOUSLY affects the way my soy chai latte tastes. which puts me in a tremendously awkward situation. Do i ask the barrista to wash her hands after applying said product to her head, and appear to be completely racist? Do I ignore it, and every morning rue what was once a beautiful tasting thing (the latte, not the afro-sheen)? Do I go out of my way to drive to another starbucks, thereby complicating my morning routine immeasurably? Do I, as I did this morning, take the lid OFF and attempt to balance the full cup like that, all the while it's prematurely going cold? Do I ask for another lid (did that once, cannot get up the nerve to ask again- was worried it appeared too racist)?

-None of these are perfect options, and I cannot be satisfied with rank imperfection.
I really don't wish to be rude. but someone should say something to the manager. but then, that someone would appear to be anti-black-pride or something... and all I want is a decent fricking latte. and for afro-sheen to stay where it belongs. On people's heads.
Suggestions welcome--

Another New Word!

MOPED.
defn: a girl it would be fun to ride... but you don't want your friends to see you on (it) her.

Not being aware of a similar term for a man you're happy to hook up with in the privacy of your own chambers, but don't wish to debut in front of friends... I propose the term "Naturalizer". As in, "These hideously ugly yet strangely comfortable and functional shoes are great to wear around the house, but I wouldn't go to the emergency room for a life and death procedure wearing them!"

-PLEASE, I BEG OF YOU GOOD AND FAITHLESS READERS! Send me more slang-uage to learn. I'm having a grand old time with this. And if you should find yourself using the term "Naturalizer" in a sentence... by all means, lemme know.

New Dirty Words I've Learned:

Ok, so maybe I'm coming late to the party. And maybe they're only quasi-dirty. But still.
These are the new phrases I have found to delight me:

• "Butterface". A woman is attractive and otherwise do-able-- "but her face". Regardless of what it means, this is just plain fun to say. "butterface. butterface. BUTTTTERFAAACE!" Try it. You too will be addicted.
• "Cleveland Brown". Similar meaning, but not as fun to say.
• "PaperBag"- Ditto. As in, you want to put a paper bag over her head.

Is there an equivalent to these for men with great bodies and ugly faces? I don't think so. Why? Because women are superior creatures who don't objectify.