All-around Bad Form

Sour Grapes.
Rejection. Bitterness. Despair. Ok, all right, we've all been there. But is it really necessary to loudly and publicly sexploit your ex..? "Desperate Housewives" actress Nicollette Sheridan's ex-fiance is telling all and sundry how much she sucks in b- er, how bad she is in bed-- which only really makes him look dumb, since he's the dickweed who was gonna marry her, anyway.

Rude. It's What's For Dinner!

People and their weird fucking food habits.

I was craving Mexican, but a friend persuaded me to try some cracked-out raw food place she's obsessed with in Culver City. It was vile. Vegan, organic, non-meat, non-dairy, and non-cooked. So it pretty much sucked. Friend had the "rawsagna", and I had the "rawcamole" (wrapped in a collard green leaf, to make it all worse). This is Friend's new answer to bulimia- apparently eating there makes her shit a lot, and she got nervous and constipated visiting her new boyfriend for 10 days, and didn't "go" the entire time.... so now she's eating the crap (as it were) out of this stuff, and hoping for the best. I have to say, everyone in there was cracker-ass skinny and sort of glow-y-- I guess when you have nothing better to do but eat wheatgrass and wait for the wrath, it can lend the skin a tender glow. Me, I'll stick to moisturizer. Place was GODAWFUL...

and she's not the only one. Another friend of mine (your garden-variety carb-avoiding, macrobiotic, no fish, no dairy, no meat, no mercury, no yeast etc, etc....) will accompany me to any restaurant I wish- toting along a giant thermos of bilious green sludge she prefers to anything on any menu. She swears it keeps her slim. What's the frickin' POINT. It isn't fun to eat out anymore. People can ruin a simple meal with their pointless worry.
and if you think this is all in my mind... check this out.

Smokers Suck.

It's, like, the 3rd day of Spring. 80-something degrees. Gorgeous.
So I go outside to eat my lunch, and am sitting, face turned up to sun, enjoying myself in the courtyard and thinking mellow thoughts about the color yellow.... when suddenly 2 nasty-ass smoker-girls appear, and out of the ENTIRE FUCKING COURTYARD.... sit down right! next! to me!! and begin to smoke.
This is unfathomable, as I was clearly NOT! smoking, and also clearly enjoying a moment of solitude. (WHILE NOT SMOKING.) You think they could at least have said, "hey, do you mind if we light up?" if it was so important to share the same space.
I don't even fucking understand how people can be so rude, when there's an entire rest of the courtyard for them to go sit in and pollute themselves.
One of them turns to the other and says, "dude, it's bee-YOOT-full out here today, idn't it?" (sic) , and all I can do is sit and seethe.
YES, it WAS "bee-YOOT-full"-- until someone decided to sit next to me with 3 fucking cigarettes between the two of them!! May they rot in an oxygen-less Hell forever.

Bob Dole, you big Stallion... is that you?

This sounds like the intro to a bad bar joke, but: a Berlin court ordered viagra to be given to a stallion after his new owner claimed he (the horse) was impotent and refused to pay the full asking price. (That's really true. I didn't make it up.) The buyer of the horse paid just a tenth of the price, claiming he (the horse, again. at least, we hope.) had only one testicle and failed to get frisky with a female pony.

All's well, though, Liepshin: "after a thorough exam", the vet found the tricky testicle... then dosed the horse with Viagra, at which time "it emerged (? the testicle? the situation? god knows-) he was fully functional". Subsequently the court ordered the buyer to pay full price. -I wonder if there have been any longitudinal studies as to the effect of viagra on equines. Or if this is now the super-wonder-drug for breeders, or really: what's next.

*** apropos of nothing, I also learned today that the German have a word, nay: a whole phrase for "backward children": in der Entwicklung zurückgebliebene Kinder. I am, despite myself, entranced. Get over here, Bob.

Genital Plastic Surgery.

Leave it to the LA Times to break the story on this one: women are getting their hoo-ha's lasered, pinched, tucked and pulled "down there", in an effort to make it more aesthetically pleasing. The goal is porn star tautness, which apparently is all airbrushing, anyway.

Soooo.. the obvious problems with this all aside... well, wait. Let's just stay with the blatantly, abundantly clear. Here's a snip from the article, if you haven't already left me to read it:

Holly conceived the idea that her labia didn't look right while in her late teens, just as she became sexually active. Looking furtively at adult magazines or at her friends convinced her "this didn't look normal."

I ask you. WHO looks "furtively" at someone else's labia?!? Excuse me? Just how does that actually HAPPEN? Sneaking a peek at someone's pecker, sure, I get that. It's out there. But-- well, I'll spare us all the anatomy lesson, but---but--- suffice to say, something in this sentence did not compute. Plus where in the hell were little Holly's parents while she was also "furtively" looking at girly mags? Little furtive Holly, that saucy wench! But whatever. I digress.

Back to the article. We next learn that "For almost 30 years, her sense that her labia minora were too long 'constantly made me sad and not [feel] good about myself.'"

Seriously? Someone has enough time on her hands to sit and mull this over for 30-some-odd years? I love America, but this is a sign of all that is wrong in our society. You think women in Eritrea think like this? You think they care? If I actually had an opinion about this area of my body, I would be more than a little scared for myself. I mean... it just makes you wonder. Is this a weird body insecurity (and we all have 'em, granted) that organically just happens one day to a person? Or is this the direct result of some sex partner making a callous comment as to the look/ size/ etc. of yon nether regions..? I cannot even fathom keeping someone around who complained about the looks... but I suppose there's always room for one more insecure person on this planet. And don't be all like "hey, it's no different from your average bikini wax." Because IT IS.

Truly. This is way, way past "depressing". And who the hell are the doctors performing this shit?! We all know plastic surgery is here to stay. Ok, fine. But count my coochie out.

Doctors Piss Me Off.

MD's are the rudest people around. This morning I sat in a doctor's office for 3 hours past my appointment time, waiting... while my doctor cheerily waved an arm at me every so often to acknowledge my presence, said "hi there! how ya doin'? good to see you!" more than once, then sent his orderly out for a round of McDonald's for the entire medical staff, including himself. And sat there in front of waiting patients and ate it. What's worse: the simple fact that I sat there forever? Or that I sat there forever with the smell of McDonald's in the air, and you know that shit sticks to you until you go shower...?

-I just don't get why doctors think they're more important than the rest of us. Oh sure. Saving lives and crap. Whatever. I have important things to do, too... articles to read, thoughts to have, numbers to crunch... my work is every bit as important as some asshead who needs a spinal-fusion-whatever-procedure.

Daily "Dumbass" Award:

GoldenPalace.com spent $10,000 big ones to permanently tattoo its url onto shit-fer-brains here's forehead.

- what's she thinking? She'll get bangs and live off the 10 grand forever??? I can't even go deeper into this, it's so stupid. Seriously. I am appalled. I know I should be feeling all sorry for her, for needing the $$ that bad... but here's the thing that keeps me from that: this STUPID fucking gaze of pleasure into the hand mirror. I seriously think she believes she looks fiiiine.

When Incest Goes Bad.

Nepotism in the bedroom: such an under-utilized idea.
So Donald Trump, that master of generating press, is now talking about how hot his daughter is, saying (with regards to her posing in Playboy): "well, she does have a very good figure. I've said if Ivanka weren't my daughter, perhaps I'd be dating her".

Oh... I long for a gentler, kinder time. A time when parents didn't lust after their offspring. Is that too much to ask?

And HOLY CRAP! EVEN MORE DISTURBING:
I just realized Ivanka here has a full-on nipple hard-on. For her DAD.

Scarlett Johansson is Full of Shit.

Scarlett Johansson Calls Grope 'Poor Taste'
The LA Times reports: "The actress broke her silence about the groping she received at the hands of fashion designer Isaac Mizrahi on the Golden Globes red carpet in January. Mizrahi, who was covering the event for the E! cable channel, was speaking with Johansson when he grabbed her breast. Mizrahi's actions left Johansson 'sort of shocked,' she told the paper."

"I'd been preparing for two hours with hair and makeup and getting dressed. And the first interview I do, someone who I have never met before fondles me for his own satisfaction."

** OH, PLEASE. She could care less! Please notice she just resuscitated this conveniently RIGHT before Oscar's weekend, to ensure people stop her again on the red carpet to ask about it. Am I the only one who's onto this ruse???
(Not to mention: Mizrahi is queerer than a two dollar bill in the Castro. Like he got any "satisfaction" out of groping her?! Pleeeeeeeze.)