Seat- pee'rs. Why?

How lazy are you, that you can't wipe off the seat?
How despicable a creature, that you pee on the seat to beGIN with?
How OLD are you????

Hey, I Got A Social Disease.

This whole social networking phenomenon kinda freaks me out. First of all, there's really nothing social about it-- sitting behind a computer screen typing something to someone you probably don't even know, never leaving your house, never really interacting. But whatever. That, I'm kinda used to.

What I CANNOT really understand, though, is people who customize their IM status with personal messages. (Apologies to several of my friends-- nothing personal meant, no harm intended. It's just weird. Feel free to rip on me about my own personal follies.) Anyway- there it is: more about you than I ever really wanted to know. And somehow, always with an exclamation point. "Eating!" "Sleeping!" "Taking a shit!" "Masturbating!!"-- all served up with equal candor and utter obliviousness to how little I freakin' care. And the real thing is.... it's rude. THAT'S RIGHT, I SAID IT!!!!! It's! R*U*D*E." To hoist your thoughts onto lil' ol' unsuspecting me is the cyber-equivalent of driving on a lovely day down some bucolic country road... and being affronted by billboard after billboard for hemorrhoid cream, local politicians, or whathaveyou. Now i actually have to interrupt my train of thought, picture YOU doing whatever it is you do that's so important you feel the need to advertise it.... then try to find my way back to my own thoughts, if i still can. Get yourself a webcam and be done with it. or read 1984, and consider.

How about "Status: dipshit"?

Mortification of the Flesh.

Check out this dumb schmuck: his tongue is pierced and split.
This brings to mind a number of pressing concerns for me. Chiefly:

• -Do both halves wiggle independently of each other? Or as if they're still joined?
• -Can he still drink margaritas??

People and their DOGS.

I like animals... I really do.
But why is it ok for a strange dog to be allowed to run on a long leash right up to me.... where he can then jump up, slobberingly lick me, put dirty paws all over me, and stick a snout somewhere it doesn't belong, all while his owner smiles on benignly like i obviously must be loving this?
There ought to be a rule...if I approach YOUR dog, cooing over what a cutie said dog is-- then fine, I get whatever it dishes out. But if you see your dog perk up his ears and run right over.... you have the duty to rein him in. Is that too much to ask? Honestly.

Unsolicited Advice.

Why is it ok to comment on someone's weight if she's thin, but definitely not if she's fat?

People: I'm stressed. Stress produces adrenaline, a main component of which is cortisol. Cortisol causes the metabolism to run rampant... as it also engages the "fight or flight" response in living organisms.

But enough about that. No one's really interested in science. Point is, for the love of god, I wish I had a new pair of shoes for every time someone commented on my body weight. I've grown pretty accustomed to this in general... but this morning the following irksome incident occurred:

Intro. early morning.
Wide camera angle, pans beach in Santa Monica.

Image: a few solo joggers, dog walkers, seagulls, and protagonist.

ok-- forget it. Let's cut the crap. This isn't a screenplay-- this is just an occupational hazard of living and working in L.A. sooner or later, you begin to see everything visually- even when it's irrelevant.

So basically- it's 6:45 am. I'm breathing in the ocean smell, feeling more and more relaxed by the second, and happy to start the day there by the sea. I start to stretch, so my aching geriatric muscles don't fray, and am also happy to feel myself moving deeper into the stretch. Immediately, this brief happiness is cut short by a woman passing me on a bike, who starts laughing loudly and harshly as she passes.
...I am not so paranoid that I assume this has anything to do with me, so I don't give it much thought. Until she hollers, "Don't work off what little fat you have!" I look over, and she says still laughing, "you're AWWWful skinny!" and cracks herself up, like this is the funniest thing ever.

Well. For some reason, this bothered me. Not just because a) i didn't know her, b) i didn't ask her opinion, or c) because she was putting me down... but chiefly because I was so happy for a nanosecond... and then in a moment, my first social interaction of the day felt unpleasant. I am always conscious of the first words I say to anyone after waking- I like to start my day positively, and I certainly don't wish the first discussion with anyone to be a fight. So I ignored her, and waited for a nicer opportunity to engage... (which came moments later, so thank you to the gentleman with the dog for the nice "hello"- and for not making me feel like a freak of nature.)

It's hard enough to be in your body sometimes, without people making you overly conscious of it. I do not like being jolted out of my own time and space to deal with someone else's issues. Not to mention, it would not have been remotely acceptable socially for me to have said, "hey, toots? don't bike on a flat surface anymore, ok? You've got some love handles there that could do better with a steep, uphill ride." i mean, honestly.

Sometimes I think the next time someone says something like this to me I will tell the offending party I have a dread disease, but thanks for the concern... but I don't even want to jinx myself by putting that out there. Any other creative ideas?

Sneaky Sex (/ "Are Men Pigs?")

Friend of mine has been progressively getting more naked with a dude each time they meet, but apparently had already expressly discussed the fact that she was not ready to actually Do The Deed. This was duly agreed upon by both parties, and then the dude tried to, shall we say, slip it past her. If this were a sitcom, the next line would be "hilarity ensued", but in real-life this led to a flaming blowout of a temper-match, with dude proclaiming it was an easy mistake for a guy to make, and further, she shouldn't be so juvenile. Now, I think dude is a piece of shit, but I'm throwing this out there as a question for the ages: is this kind of behavior NORmal in the dating realm? Seems to me it's a fine line between that and date rape, but a male friend of ours assures us this is actually a predictable turn of events, being that they were already rolling around in the altogether.

Guys On The Make.

At a bar with friends. Guy zeroes in.. nice chat ensues...I fancy myself able to surmise he is decently witty, smart and not without a certain critical amount of charm.

Then he says to me, and I quote:
"Yeah, y'know... when guys are sizing up a chick for the first time, y'know, the very first time you lay eyes on someone new... you either think 'I'd do her!' or you don't..... so, since you're in the first category, what are the chances we could go out on a date...?"

Wow.
I'm glad I'm not a guy. I really am. I mean, I guess you have to put it out there.... as it were.... but good lord. Doesn't anybody go on picnics anymore...? or something??

17 Year Old Coked-Out Bitches.

Nothing worse than a mean teenager, except a mean teenager who thinks she's The Queen. This morning at Starbucks (forgive me for plugging Starbucks again, but I can only comment on what I see, and where I am...) this little anorexic harpy was shrieking, literally shrieking at the barristas that she needed A HUNDRED AND TWENTY to-go cups of coffee NOW, because she "had to be at a photo shoot". like that's anybody else's frickin' problem.

They nicely told her they wouldn't be able to accomodate her for at least 10 minutes, best case scenario, as that many cups of coffee would require them to brew a massive amount in the back room that they didn't have at the ready. She stamped her foot and said, "But i TOOOOOLD you, I have to be at a PHOTO shoot. NOW. I am REALLY-REALLY important, and you do NOT want to make me angry." I don't know where this chick got the temerity. Honestly. She wasn't even Paris Hilton.

Suffice to say, I was amazed at how patient and nice they were with her, and steadfast in repeating the same message, despite her rapidly increasing agitation and demands. Finally she said, "FINE! I will take a walk and be back here in NO MORE THAN 10 minutes-- you BETTER have that coffee ready, or you will be VERY sorry." She said that... to people who could potentially put rat poison in her drinks. Then she flounced out, vibrating in hostility and self-righteous indignation. Naturally, I was next in line-- so I felt the need to apologize. Then they tell me- believe it or not-- she did the exact same thing yesterday. And they told her at that time she had to call in advance for an order that big. To which her reply was they were all losers who would never rise above their shitty starbucks jobs and have the kind of power she has.

So, the obvious issues with chickie aside-- here's the thing. someone who's stuck getting coffee for everyone else at a photo shoot? Hardly the bigshot she's pretending to be. And somehow.. the fact that she probably can't even legally smoke and is bawling out the nice 30 and 40 year olds who get up every morning to be at work by 5 to give caffeine to the rest of us... just didn't sit well with me. (Maybe this is what happens when the little girl in Saks grows up.) Bitches man, bitches.

Bumper Sticker Hypocrites.

-Got nearly run off the road this morning by a PC-looking, NPR-listening bitch in an automobile sporting stickers saying:
- "SPIRITUALITY RULES"
- "WAR IS NOT THE ANSWER"
- "PRACTICE PATIENCE"
and
- "FREE TIBET" (always guaranteed to irk me on principle, since a looong time ago I dated a "free tibet" kinda guy who was an apeshit moron-- but that's a whole 'nother debacle.)

So she veers hairs-breadth close to me, forces me to veer off, myself... then rolls down her window (yes, ROLLS it down, like this is MY FAULT she has a 30-year old car without power windows) and starts screaming at me, "GET YOUR BIGASS SUV OFF MY ROAD".

(pause for reflection. pause for reflection.)

Well.
I should have let it go. I really should have.

But -- "MY road?" plus being all hopped up on morning latte? -the insult was too great to bear.
I put MY window down, and scream back, "PRACTICE PATIENCE, HONEY."
She honks her horn in frustration. So I honk mine. at this point, I am purely reactive. She then screeches that I am funding the war on terror, with my gas-guzzling 4-runner. Huh?? She lost me. I thought this was about her wanting to fight me because she ran me off the road. Which didn't really make sense to start... but now it's my car's fault? Was she trying to run me off in an attempt to make me crash and therefore have one less giant automobile on the road? Who knows.

All I do know is, I have yet to see the asshead with smug, sanctimonious bumper stickers who was anyone I wanted to know.
...Why IZZZZ that?

The Assinator.

The Governator saw my ass.
This weekend. In Santa Monica.

Big sample sale. Maria swanning about.
There I was, behind a curtain trying on some stuff, and Maria swept through the curtained off area with armloads of swag on her way to the restroom. I guess when you're famous, you don't have to try on shit in public. Anyway, a minute later Ahnold busts through the curtain like the Kool-Aid man on the loose (*note, if this cultural reference means nothing to you, you are either too young to remember '70's tv commercials, you are canadian, or both.)

anyway! There I am, ass-out, in skimpy skivvies. I freeze. He freezes. Then he just starts laughing, deep laughs from the belly. Which then makes ME laugh, however inappropriate. Then Maria gives me the evil eye like I've never seen-- the lady literally raked her eyes over me top to toe, up, down, up, down, up, down, again... then sneered at me as if to say, "YOU AINT ALL THAT". (no one can give a dirty look like a woman to another woman. especially, i suppose, when one has just shown her ass to the other's husband. even if unintentionally.)(especially ridiculous when you consider said lady is taller, richer and prettier than i'll ever be... but whatever.)

-- So I ask you. Was it rude of Ahnold to push back the curtains in a women's clothing store dressing area, governor or not? is it conCEIVable he didn't know what the curtain meant? Or was it rude that my ass greeted him, front and center?

Regardless... I am somewhat concerned that my posts seem to all be about asses lately- mine or others. I'm turning into a boob.

So where has THIS gem been all my life..?

NEW YORK (Reuters) - A 23-year-old with a foot fetish has admitted he tried to kiss, fondle and lick the legs and toes of more than 70 women on the New York subway over the last three years, prosecutors said on Wednesday.

In a handwritten confession to police released by the Manhattan district attorney's office, Joseph Weir said his aim was "to make them laugh and smile and open to talk to me."

Weir, who was arrested late last week after attacking a woman on a subway in lower Manhattan, is charged with forcible touching, sex abuse and unlawful imprisonment -- the latter charge referring to his habit of grabbing his victims' legs and not letting go.

He faces up to a year in jail if convicted and has been released on $6,000 bail until a court hearing on June 26.

In a rambling confession peppered with grammatical errors, Weir, who lives in Brooklyn, detailed how he accosted the women while riding the subways between Manhattan and the borough of Queens.

"I get on my knees, bow, grab their feet, kiss them. I grab their hand and tell them 'You're so beautiful. I'm not worthy,'" he wrote. "I do not give me real name. If they ask I will tell them my name is Anthony, Jason or Careem."

Weir said his motivation was to get to know the women, but he recalled that often they would move away when he tried to "taste and touch them."

"Some women had kick(ed) me and screamed," he wrote. "I've done this to about 70 women, mostly black."

Prosecutors said dozens of women had started to come forward to identify Weir, who told detectives in his confession that he lived with his parents and two sisters.

"I am currently unemployed," he wrote, adding that he had been fired from his previous job with a sightseeing company.

In his confession, Weir apologized to his victims, saying: "I don't mean to hurt no body and I am sorry."

Dirty Word of the Day:

"Spinner".

As in: "Yep, she's so little (/underweight/ petite/ etc.) I can spin her around while screwing her."

Lovely.

Rude Children.

You know what they say: the apple don't fall far from the tree.

So there I was at Saks, in line to buy my stupid lip gloss. This woman plunks her petulant, snot-nosed child down in the chair next to where I am standing, and the child promptly begins kicking my ass. Literally. And repeatedly. (note to anyone following along on these ridiculous threads-- it is debatable as to whether or not this is preferable to having said ass grabbed. Having a leopard-print-clad toddler obsessively kick her tiny, hammer-like (leopard-print SHOES, too) foot into my behind while I stand there helpless is also not so fun.) (and yes, it is quite acceptable grammatically to place parens within parens).

Anyway!! I moved slightly away from the offending foot, but smiled at the little miscreant and even complimented her outfit. She grinned wickedly...and inched closer to my posterior. Immediately began kicking again. Again I moved away, this time sans compliment. Yet a third time arose, and this time I just moved as far away as I could without losing my place in line (queuing up as if for chickens in Russia). This time the mother spun around, eyes slitted in hostility and snapped, "oh, I'M sorry. Is she BOTHERING you?" So I smiled nicely and said rather blandly, "nope! not bothering me... just kicking at my butt, so I thought I'd move."

- Here's where i SUPPOSED the offending parent would apologize, explain to the child why this isn't acceptable behavior, and we'd all be done with it. Instead, she sneers at me and my bare left hand, "you OBVIOUSLY don't have children". "That's right! I don't!" I say cheerfully, and still think the exchange will be over. BUT NO!
She actually moves the child to the other side of me as if i'm contagious, then says to the woman on the other side, "YOU don't mind, do you? SHE" (pointing at me)"has a PROBlem with CHILdren." They both turn and scowl.
-I say, "Excuse me: I don't have a PROBlem with CHILdren. I LOVE children. What I had a PROBlem with was my butt being kicked by your child. That's really all." (and also you not doing a damn thing about it, you stupid slimy whore, but that's another story.) She screams-- literally screams!!- at me "SHE'S FOUR!!!!" then explains to the woman next to her that this is her ONLY chance to go shopping, and people like ME have to go and RUIN it. Excuse me?!?! You don't take every opportunity to teach your child manners, and that's MY problem? I don't think so.

I am grateful for every disciplinary lesson I ever got while still a child. My parents did not let me run rampant all over the place because I could drool. (they also, quite thankfully, abstained from leopard-print tuff-skins.) And for the record: I DO like children. How rude is it for this person to make assumptions about me based on the fact that her child was wrong, and she was too careless to correct it? This bothers me deeply, having a number of friends who have miscarried recently. For all this woman knows, I just had a miscarriage. I mean, you just don't go saying things like this to people, let alone completely failing to teach your child how to behave in polite society.

I realize I don't have children, and therefore am probably only qualified to comment in a limited manner. But if I WERE a mother, I would not let my child make an ass of herself, since eventually I have to launch that child out into the world, and no one out there's gonna be as nice as I am, even if I'm strict... and further, you just shouldn't lash out at other people and say mean things. If I had the urge to hit back, I could have said something like, "Actually i DO have children, but I sure don't have that belly pooch you got out of it.." but violence begets violence. Why even bother.
I'm just venting.
That's really all.

Ass Grabbing.

Don't touch my ass. Or pinch my cheeks. Or tender any untoward and explicitly uninvited contact to my body corporeal. I am not a puppy. Do not touch me.
DO! NOT! TOUCH!!! ME.
(I will never understand why people infringe upon personal space in this manner.)
I have a theory that if I were bigger and more physically imposing, this wouldn't happen. No real way to test this, so I beg of you, nay: imPLORE you:
DO NOT TOUCH ME, MY ASS OR ANYTHING ELSE in polite or otherwise conversation.

***It's RUDE.***

This goes double for the crazy lady who lifted up my shirt to better see my waist. and ended up exposing half my bra. WHY DOES THIS NEED TO EVEN BE STATED...? Just keep your hands to yourself, and all will be fine.

A Whole Latte Racism.

Starbucks is fanning the flames of insidious racism.
No, not really. But come on. It's fun to say.
So here's what my probem really IS: the Starbucks near my house, which I frequent on a daily basis, has a new barrista. The barrista wears Afro-Sheen, and it gets all over my drink.

So i KNOW this sounds racist, and i really don't mean for it to... "but".....
But... in case you didn't hear me the first time, whenever she makes my drink she leaves a slimy film of Afro-Sheen all over the top of the lid. How do i know this? How am I apprised of the distinct flavor of Afro-Sheen? If you must know, my idiot friends and I used to slather ourselves with Afro-Sheen to tan when we were in high school. It's a taste one doesn't readily forget... and more times than I like to recall, it sort of melted, ran down my face and into my mouth, so I remember it VERY well, indeed. So then.

Back to 2006. I now am faced with that self-same taste and problem, and incidentally it appears they haven't improved the formula at all with regards to my delicate palate. So you see where I am going with this: this now OBVIOUSLY affects the way my soy chai latte tastes. which puts me in a tremendously awkward situation. Do i ask the barrista to wash her hands after applying said product to her head, and appear to be completely racist? Do I ignore it, and every morning rue what was once a beautiful tasting thing (the latte, not the afro-sheen)? Do I go out of my way to drive to another starbucks, thereby complicating my morning routine immeasurably? Do I, as I did this morning, take the lid OFF and attempt to balance the full cup like that, all the while it's prematurely going cold? Do I ask for another lid (did that once, cannot get up the nerve to ask again- was worried it appeared too racist)?

-None of these are perfect options, and I cannot be satisfied with rank imperfection.
I really don't wish to be rude. but someone should say something to the manager. but then, that someone would appear to be anti-black-pride or something... and all I want is a decent fricking latte. and for afro-sheen to stay where it belongs. On people's heads.
Suggestions welcome--

Another New Word!

MOPED.
defn: a girl it would be fun to ride... but you don't want your friends to see you on (it) her.

Not being aware of a similar term for a man you're happy to hook up with in the privacy of your own chambers, but don't wish to debut in front of friends... I propose the term "Naturalizer". As in, "These hideously ugly yet strangely comfortable and functional shoes are great to wear around the house, but I wouldn't go to the emergency room for a life and death procedure wearing them!"

-PLEASE, I BEG OF YOU GOOD AND FAITHLESS READERS! Send me more slang-uage to learn. I'm having a grand old time with this. And if you should find yourself using the term "Naturalizer" in a sentence... by all means, lemme know.

New Dirty Words I've Learned:

Ok, so maybe I'm coming late to the party. And maybe they're only quasi-dirty. But still.
These are the new phrases I have found to delight me:

• "Butterface". A woman is attractive and otherwise do-able-- "but her face". Regardless of what it means, this is just plain fun to say. "butterface. butterface. BUTTTTERFAAACE!" Try it. You too will be addicted.
• "Cleveland Brown". Similar meaning, but not as fun to say.
• "PaperBag"- Ditto. As in, you want to put a paper bag over her head.

Is there an equivalent to these for men with great bodies and ugly faces? I don't think so. Why? Because women are superior creatures who don't objectify.

All-around Bad Form

Sour Grapes.
Rejection. Bitterness. Despair. Ok, all right, we've all been there. But is it really necessary to loudly and publicly sexploit your ex..? "Desperate Housewives" actress Nicollette Sheridan's ex-fiance is telling all and sundry how much she sucks in b- er, how bad she is in bed-- which only really makes him look dumb, since he's the dickweed who was gonna marry her, anyway.

Rude. It's What's For Dinner!

People and their weird fucking food habits.

I was craving Mexican, but a friend persuaded me to try some cracked-out raw food place she's obsessed with in Culver City. It was vile. Vegan, organic, non-meat, non-dairy, and non-cooked. So it pretty much sucked. Friend had the "rawsagna", and I had the "rawcamole" (wrapped in a collard green leaf, to make it all worse). This is Friend's new answer to bulimia- apparently eating there makes her shit a lot, and she got nervous and constipated visiting her new boyfriend for 10 days, and didn't "go" the entire time.... so now she's eating the crap (as it were) out of this stuff, and hoping for the best. I have to say, everyone in there was cracker-ass skinny and sort of glow-y-- I guess when you have nothing better to do but eat wheatgrass and wait for the wrath, it can lend the skin a tender glow. Me, I'll stick to moisturizer. Place was GODAWFUL...

and she's not the only one. Another friend of mine (your garden-variety carb-avoiding, macrobiotic, no fish, no dairy, no meat, no mercury, no yeast etc, etc....) will accompany me to any restaurant I wish- toting along a giant thermos of bilious green sludge she prefers to anything on any menu. She swears it keeps her slim. What's the frickin' POINT. It isn't fun to eat out anymore. People can ruin a simple meal with their pointless worry.
and if you think this is all in my mind... check this out.

Smokers Suck.

It's, like, the 3rd day of Spring. 80-something degrees. Gorgeous.
So I go outside to eat my lunch, and am sitting, face turned up to sun, enjoying myself in the courtyard and thinking mellow thoughts about the color yellow.... when suddenly 2 nasty-ass smoker-girls appear, and out of the ENTIRE FUCKING COURTYARD.... sit down right! next! to me!! and begin to smoke.
This is unfathomable, as I was clearly NOT! smoking, and also clearly enjoying a moment of solitude. (WHILE NOT SMOKING.) You think they could at least have said, "hey, do you mind if we light up?" if it was so important to share the same space.
I don't even fucking understand how people can be so rude, when there's an entire rest of the courtyard for them to go sit in and pollute themselves.
One of them turns to the other and says, "dude, it's bee-YOOT-full out here today, idn't it?" (sic) , and all I can do is sit and seethe.
YES, it WAS "bee-YOOT-full"-- until someone decided to sit next to me with 3 fucking cigarettes between the two of them!! May they rot in an oxygen-less Hell forever.

Bob Dole, you big Stallion... is that you?

This sounds like the intro to a bad bar joke, but: a Berlin court ordered viagra to be given to a stallion after his new owner claimed he (the horse) was impotent and refused to pay the full asking price. (That's really true. I didn't make it up.) The buyer of the horse paid just a tenth of the price, claiming he (the horse, again. at least, we hope.) had only one testicle and failed to get frisky with a female pony.

All's well, though, Liepshin: "after a thorough exam", the vet found the tricky testicle... then dosed the horse with Viagra, at which time "it emerged (? the testicle? the situation? god knows-) he was fully functional". Subsequently the court ordered the buyer to pay full price. -I wonder if there have been any longitudinal studies as to the effect of viagra on equines. Or if this is now the super-wonder-drug for breeders, or really: what's next.

*** apropos of nothing, I also learned today that the German have a word, nay: a whole phrase for "backward children": in der Entwicklung zurückgebliebene Kinder. I am, despite myself, entranced. Get over here, Bob.

Genital Plastic Surgery.

Leave it to the LA Times to break the story on this one: women are getting their hoo-ha's lasered, pinched, tucked and pulled "down there", in an effort to make it more aesthetically pleasing. The goal is porn star tautness, which apparently is all airbrushing, anyway.

Soooo.. the obvious problems with this all aside... well, wait. Let's just stay with the blatantly, abundantly clear. Here's a snip from the article, if you haven't already left me to read it:

Holly conceived the idea that her labia didn't look right while in her late teens, just as she became sexually active. Looking furtively at adult magazines or at her friends convinced her "this didn't look normal."

I ask you. WHO looks "furtively" at someone else's labia?!? Excuse me? Just how does that actually HAPPEN? Sneaking a peek at someone's pecker, sure, I get that. It's out there. But-- well, I'll spare us all the anatomy lesson, but---but--- suffice to say, something in this sentence did not compute. Plus where in the hell were little Holly's parents while she was also "furtively" looking at girly mags? Little furtive Holly, that saucy wench! But whatever. I digress.

Back to the article. We next learn that "For almost 30 years, her sense that her labia minora were too long 'constantly made me sad and not [feel] good about myself.'"

Seriously? Someone has enough time on her hands to sit and mull this over for 30-some-odd years? I love America, but this is a sign of all that is wrong in our society. You think women in Eritrea think like this? You think they care? If I actually had an opinion about this area of my body, I would be more than a little scared for myself. I mean... it just makes you wonder. Is this a weird body insecurity (and we all have 'em, granted) that organically just happens one day to a person? Or is this the direct result of some sex partner making a callous comment as to the look/ size/ etc. of yon nether regions..? I cannot even fathom keeping someone around who complained about the looks... but I suppose there's always room for one more insecure person on this planet. And don't be all like "hey, it's no different from your average bikini wax." Because IT IS.

Truly. This is way, way past "depressing". And who the hell are the doctors performing this shit?! We all know plastic surgery is here to stay. Ok, fine. But count my coochie out.

Doctors Piss Me Off.

MD's are the rudest people around. This morning I sat in a doctor's office for 3 hours past my appointment time, waiting... while my doctor cheerily waved an arm at me every so often to acknowledge my presence, said "hi there! how ya doin'? good to see you!" more than once, then sent his orderly out for a round of McDonald's for the entire medical staff, including himself. And sat there in front of waiting patients and ate it. What's worse: the simple fact that I sat there forever? Or that I sat there forever with the smell of McDonald's in the air, and you know that shit sticks to you until you go shower...?

-I just don't get why doctors think they're more important than the rest of us. Oh sure. Saving lives and crap. Whatever. I have important things to do, too... articles to read, thoughts to have, numbers to crunch... my work is every bit as important as some asshead who needs a spinal-fusion-whatever-procedure.

Daily "Dumbass" Award:

GoldenPalace.com spent $10,000 big ones to permanently tattoo its url onto shit-fer-brains here's forehead.

- what's she thinking? She'll get bangs and live off the 10 grand forever??? I can't even go deeper into this, it's so stupid. Seriously. I am appalled. I know I should be feeling all sorry for her, for needing the $$ that bad... but here's the thing that keeps me from that: this STUPID fucking gaze of pleasure into the hand mirror. I seriously think she believes she looks fiiiine.

When Incest Goes Bad.

Nepotism in the bedroom: such an under-utilized idea.
So Donald Trump, that master of generating press, is now talking about how hot his daughter is, saying (with regards to her posing in Playboy): "well, she does have a very good figure. I've said if Ivanka weren't my daughter, perhaps I'd be dating her".

Oh... I long for a gentler, kinder time. A time when parents didn't lust after their offspring. Is that too much to ask?

And HOLY CRAP! EVEN MORE DISTURBING:
I just realized Ivanka here has a full-on nipple hard-on. For her DAD.

Scarlett Johansson is Full of Shit.

Scarlett Johansson Calls Grope 'Poor Taste'
The LA Times reports: "The actress broke her silence about the groping she received at the hands of fashion designer Isaac Mizrahi on the Golden Globes red carpet in January. Mizrahi, who was covering the event for the E! cable channel, was speaking with Johansson when he grabbed her breast. Mizrahi's actions left Johansson 'sort of shocked,' she told the paper."

"I'd been preparing for two hours with hair and makeup and getting dressed. And the first interview I do, someone who I have never met before fondles me for his own satisfaction."

** OH, PLEASE. She could care less! Please notice she just resuscitated this conveniently RIGHT before Oscar's weekend, to ensure people stop her again on the red carpet to ask about it. Am I the only one who's onto this ruse???
(Not to mention: Mizrahi is queerer than a two dollar bill in the Castro. Like he got any "satisfaction" out of groping her?! Pleeeeeeeze.)

ESL (when the first language is "Bimbo")*

"They dance so great. They're awesome," Spears said after watching the troupe rehearse.

Sooner or later it was bound to come to this. The fact that I! Hate!! Britney. Honestly, she embodies absolutely everything wrong with the world today, and is without a doubt the trashiest human being currently in the public eye. If the barefoot in the gas station restroom foot-funk didn't get you, how about that she also lives in barefoot harmony in a household with several un-housetrained canines... which she has her maid clean up after only every other day. That's a lot of barefoot in the poopie-- but this is a girl who had chicken fingers at her wedding, so why would I even be surprised.

In fact, let me remind myself this is also a girl who made the belly button public real estate. So-- a lot to be proud of, here. A lot.

However, all of this might be faintly tolerable-- if she could just frickin' stop herself from the relentless slaughter of my mother tongue. I am greatly alarmed. You should be, too. While English is not perhaps the loveliest of languages to listen to, it beats the hell out of German... and at the end of the day, if you're reading this then I assume you comprehend English. So you really should care. You should care!!! Someone out there is desecrating our way of communicating with one another.

Please. Somebody stop her from making public statements. As much as I want to feel smug and superior when I read the dumbass things she says, the sheer pain prevents me from even feeling a twinge of superiority-- and that's just BAD.

*in fact, my company blocked me from even searching for photos of her that would be appropriate to this post. I kept getting "blocked content/ SEX" messages from on high. if only.

PDA Public Service Announcement

pda: when is enough too much?
What's the most flagrant offense you've seen or participated in?
Does your general attitude towards this change when it involves you?
Is this all culturally-bound, anyhow? For instance, how come when you're strolling the streets of gay Paree, lovers in the rain are just... lovers in the rain... and here in America, even the word "lover" becomes hopelessly creepy?

The Wonderbra: False Advertising?

One of us was looking especially buxom on our night out recently, and when called on it, confessed to generously padding her assets to make her clothes fit better. This (+ alcohol) prompted discussion around the etiquette of false advertising-- namely, is it bait and switch? Or just another trick in the average girl's repertoire? One of us thought it didn't matter, one thought it was a bad way to go into potentially getting naked for the first time with someone who would then realize the boobs were a lie... and I personally fall on the side of, hell, pad away, whatever, who cares... if he's lucky enough to be there, he probably isn't complaining about the view. (If he is-- kick him to the curb!) But what do I know.

All thoughts (as always-- not that i'm hinting or anything--HELLO!! is anyone OUT there?!?) are welcome on this subject...male or female, I'd love to know where you stand on the subject of artifice as dating strategem. Men! Would you in fact BE disappointed to learn upon undressing a new ladyfriend that indeed the hills were not alive? Women! Do you worry your less-than-ample Victoria's secret will be found out? Do you care? Are you one of those who keep the bra on, just in case?
I really want to know where we all stand on this most important and pressing matter... and guys, i know some of you pad, too, before you get all cocky.

Impossible to discern the rudest, saddest or most disheartening thing about this.

NEW YORK (Feb.1) - A 100-pound woman ate 26 grilled cheese sandwiches in 10 minutes Wednesday at a New York restaurant, winning the World Grilled Cheese Eating Championship.

ABCSonya Thomas is known as the "Black Widow" because she has defeated so many larger men. Sonya Thomas won $8,000 for the contest at the Planet Hollywood restaurant in Times Square but said she was disappointed in her performance.
"I could have done better," she said, adding that she was aiming for 30 sandwiches.
Thomas said she had to catch a train shortly after the contest to make her shift at a Burger King on Andrews Air Force Base in Virginia, where she is a manager.
She said she has a naturally big stomach capacity and heavily soaked her sandwiches in water to make them easier to swallow. She said to train she drinks large amounts of water to expand her stomach capacity and practices relaxing her throat.
Thomas, whose normal weight is about 100 pounds, estimated she gained 10 pounds during Wednesday's contest.
It was a close win. Her nearest competitor, Joey Chestnut, ate 25 1/2 sandwiches.
On the eating contest circuit, Thomas is known as the "Black Widow," apparently because she has defeated so many larger men.
She holds numerous world eating records, including 46 dozen oysters in 10 minutes, 11 pounds of cheesecake in 9 minutes, 48 chicken tacos in 11 minutes, 37 hot dogs and buns in 12 minutes and 56 hamburgers in 8 minutes.

When Stupid People Breed.

"Georgia Child Groom Runs Away From Group Home", reads the headline. Unsurprisingly, the article was a big, stinkin' waste of time. I mean, really. Did I NEED to know more than the 8 words in the headline convey? But just for the hell of it, let's recap.

A 37 year old woman gets knocked up by a 15 year old boy who's an inpatient in a psych facility. Already not the best bet for a stronger future gene pool- on either count- but now the poor lass is attempting a pity ploy for her sad and lonely state, saying she prefers older men, anyway. Well, then! Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned! That'll teach him, the little 15 year old deadbeat dad/runaway! You weren't even her TYPE! Take THAT! I know she must feel far better about herself, now that that's out there.